Complete failure/ SSS #1

I was writing my short story for today while I took a break from studying for finals and I hate it. I restarted it 3 times and I just can’t figure out what I want it to be. Maybe I’ll figure it out, but for now here’s a small part of it.

The fresh air burns her lungs and she coughs up water. The girl swims to a nearby rock and climbs up to check the contents of the bag. Inside: a flashlight, wads of cash, a gun, a passport, and a letter in a plastic bag.

She takes out the letter and the flashlight.


If you are reading this letter it means you made it out alive. In the bag I’ve left you money, a way to leave, and protection. You are going to be okay. I am going to find you. I’m sorry for everything.


Lola reads the letter over and over again wondering how he could have gotten her into this near death situation. How did he get a gun? Where did he get all of this money? Where is she going that she needs to be found?

It’s not terrible, I just don’t know where I want to go with it.

I’ll work on it though.

Happy Saturday guys 🙂


We Were Liars (and random announcement that doesn’t need a whole post to itsself)


Cadence. Sweet, sweet Cadence. How could you ever do such a thing? Hurt such innocent people. And then just forget.

*And now back to your regularly scheduled program*

Let’s break this book down. I read We Were Liars by E. Lockhart at the recommendation of a friend (also out of pure curiosity) in about 10 hours, it was good, not great but good. Also, it made me cry, so that’s something.

In terms of the actual story, I loved it. I connected with Cady and loved Gat whole heartedly and slightly hated Mirren for being such a bitch at times.

In terms of the actual style of the writing, eh. It was very confusing at times. I might just be a little dumb, but I feel there were times where the author mistakes Cady for Mirren and then I would go back and be like “oh wait I though Cady dyed her hair, but now its saying Mirren.” Just little things like that.

Also at random

times in the


of the book

it would break

up like this.

Granted sometimes I loved it and it added drama, but other times just made it annoying to read and slightly difficult.

I wish the other characters were given a chance to develop more. I read somewhere that the title never really got explaining because the part where they are declared “The Liars” was cut out in editing. That bothers me because 1) it would probably help me get a larger understanding of Mirren, Johnny, and Gat but also because 2) why do publishers get to decide that a part of the book isn’t necessary, like excuse me, you need to back up.

(This is why I am going to start my own publishing company and let people publish whatever they want)

Do I recommend this book? Yes. Would I read it again? If I have 10 hours to spare and nothing to do, so probably not. Is it worth me purchasing? No, but I’m still going to buy it off thrift books to say I have it and because I love owning books. It makes me feel significant and educated.

Other reviews have complained that Cadence is annoying or spoiled or whatever, but I like her. She falls fast and hard. And she’s poetic about her pain. And she fell in love with a boy she couldn’t have. And she messed up really bad. And that’s who I am. I fall in love fast and hard and for no real reason, not know who the person is. And I aim to be poetic, sometimes. I don’t know, I just liked Cady… and Gat. Gat’s my favorite.

I didn’t like Mirren or Granddad. Mirren was annoying and Granddad was an arse.

This is the kind of book that you either love or hate. I mean granted I don’t particularly love or hate it, but there was nothing powerful or impactful. It’s a book to pass time and make you cry. It’s a good book. It’s a good book about a rich blond girl who has brain injury and is in love with a boy she can’t have and can’t remember most of summer 15.

But, it’s just a good book.

Read it or don’t.

My feelings won’t be hurt.



Starting next week, I will start doing “Short Story Saturday”. I probably didn’t make it up, and I won’t always post short stories, I might also post poetry, but it was catchy and Saturday is a nice day for me to just write and read and be lazy.

I just aim to post something not ranty/life/school on Saturdays 1) to improve my writing and 2) because I like posting my writing because I don’t expect feedback or feel it’s necessary.

Also, I’m sure it gets annoying having to read about my life.

Alright, that’s all for now.

Happy Saturday and happy memorial day weekend 🙂

BLACK&WHITE (short story)

It was once all in color. The vibrant spring flowers of Battery Park. The obnoxious taxi cabs and bright lights of Times Square. The rich jewel tones of our tiny studio apartment furniture overlooking Central Park. It was all in color. And I was in love. And he was my soulmate. Life was in color. But now it’s always dark. And Everything is grey and dreary. And I no longer believe in color.

The urn on the book shelf of the apartment I can barely afford reminding me daily of the color my life now lacks. That gold and turquoise urn is all that’s left in color. But I wish I could bury it. Burn it. Throw it in the ocean. Do anything just so that I didn’t have to feel the same heart break every day when I come home from my miserable job to my lifeless apartment and dull cat named Mr. Mittens. But I can’t do that unless I fall in love, which I frankly have no interest in.

Falling in love is not something I ever imagined for myself. In grade school they taught us the wonders love had to offer. When we were little we saw glimpses of color, but as we grew into our late teens reality set in and everything went grey.

I knew in order to get the color I missed from childhood back I’d have to find a boy and fall in love. Not too hard. But being gay in this grey world is impossible. Yes, our mentors taught us to fall in love if we loved color and happiness, but they never taught me to fall in love. They never taught me how hard it would be to find my color. Or my soulmate. Or simply just another gay boy who was looking for some different hues besides grey. So I moved to New York and met the love of my life and life was in color.

I was at the Limelight with some friends. One of the most iconic NYC clubs. I honestly didn’t want to go, I’m not a clubbing type person, but I went. I felt something in me forcing me to go. I was longing to go. Some asshole spilled a sticky mixed drink on me, but that didn’t even matter the second I saw him. There he was. Sweaty. Careless. On the dancefloor. The most beautiful sight.

It all happened so fast. Everything I did I did for him. We got married quickly and discussed adoption. We settled on a cat seeing as we were only 22 and poor. Not ready for little feet running around. We never fought, except for about the color of the kitchen table, though we settled on a hideous sunny yellow. I always had a chest to snuggle in and soft lips accompanied by a scruffy face to kiss. I lived every second of every day in color admiring the blooming flowers, beautiful taxi cabs that reminded me of the kitchen table, and the bright lights of time square. Those 6 years were the best of my life.

Until it was all grey. My heart dropped and I skunk to my knees on the corner of Central Park West and and West 89th street. I was on my way home, a mere three blocks away. I felt it in every inch of  my body. I knew he was gone. My baby was dead. Everyone knew. The people walking saw all of the color being drawn out of every inch of my body. But they all just kept walking as I cried and screamed in agony. I don’t know what was worse. The color being ripped out of me or losing the love of my life.

Even after being in such breathtaking, heart stopping love, the only thing I love anymore is Mr. Mittens. He can’t give me any color, so when his time comes, there won’t be any color to lose and I can just replace Mr. Mittens. I don’t even want the color anymore. It’s too bright and obnoxious. The thought of it makes me want to throw up or cry. Maybe both. Definitely both.

The truth is, I’m not scared of love. I’m scared that I’ll never get my color back. I mean I know I will, or at least that I can, but it’s not going to be the same. It’s not going to be as bright and precious as it once was. And not only is your first colorful love your greatest, I’m gay and I’ve had that. Finding a fellow gay is hard enough, but adding the fact that I’ve had my firework love makes it a million times harder.

Do I regret falling for him, no never. I was young. I intended to love him forever, and I will. I wanted a forever firework kind of love or nothing at all. I wanted the moonlight kisses and picnics in the warm sun. I wanted to give away my heart completely. But now there is no color. My color was taken away, and so was my love before it even had the chance to begin. And you see none of that matters any more. It’s just me, Mr. Mittens, and the hollow, colorless apartment I used to call home.

I hate losing

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, I wasn’t sure if I was going to share my short story, and all though I didn’t win, a friend of mine did and I’m happy for her. Even though I am super upset about losing, I know I’m a good writer and that’s all that matters. Anyway, enough with the rant, here’s Silent Desire.



There she is. This beautiful person whom I’d only seen a few times before. I looked at her trying to avoid making eye contact. Someone like me could never be with her. She is everything someone could want in a girl. I am in love with a girl who doesn’t even know I exist. That’s the problem. I am in love with a girl who wouldn’t ever be seen with a guy like me. I’m a walking encyclopedia. She is just generally smart, and I surely have no chance. If only Lux knew who I was.


It is the first day of school. I saw him again. He hasn’t seemed to notice me, but why would he. I’m the awkward girl with no friends. I keep to myself. I wouldn’t ever interfere with him. If only Micha knew how much I adored him, then surely, things would be different. Who am I kidding, we will graduate in nine months without having said a single word to each other for four years. That’s insane, how could I possibly love someone as much as I love him without even knowing who he is?




She’s in my science class. This is the first time I’ve had a class with her. Of course I’ve liked other girls, but ever since I saw her freshman year in that emerald green sweater, light washed denim jeans, and high-top black converse that were laced one hole down from the top, I knew she was the girl I wanted. I realized I wanted her even more when she walked up to me.

“Hello,” she said to me.

At this point I am convinced she doesn’t even know I exist. I don’t even realize she is talking to me until I noticed we are the only one’s in the room with the exception of our teacher.

“Hi. Lux, right?”

I replied a few seconds away from awkward. By this time, people began to enter the room. We were no longer alone. The truth is, I know her name, I just don’t want to freak her out.

“Yea, that’s me. The nerd with no friends.”

How could someone so painfully beautiful not have any friends? How could she even declare herself a nerd? She was smart and beautiful, a beautiful nerd.

A moment too soon, the bell rang. I had ruined my one chance of speaking to her.


How could I do that? Micha doesn’t even know my name. I’ve made such a fool of myself. I know that it was a risky move speaking to him. I couldn’t stop glancing at his tall build and glasses. The same glasses he’d worn for three years. The same glasses I had come to know. I knew every inch of his face, like the back of my hand. Yet, all I could manage to say was a bland ‘hello.’



Class was drawing to a close. It had been nine months since our first and last encounter. I have always wondered why she never spoke to me again. As if I were some contagious disease that she didn’t want to catch. I get it though. I’m not exactly the prettiest color in the crayon box. I’m the color you use when the color you want is missing, a second choice of sorts. Lux, on the other hand, she is the crayon you always grab for without a doubt. Another reason I was in love with her, the fifth reason I loved her. She is the definition of perfect.

It is the last day of school. In a few hours we all graduate, and it is very likely that I’ll never see Lux again. I have had this reoccurring dream that she has spoken to me, and we are friends and that everything is perfect, but I know that that couldn’t ever happen.

We are sitting in our last science class together and I feel the urge to speak to her. Discuss all of the science related things that we have learned in our nine short months together. Lux is the most amazing person I had ever met in my life. I have grown even fonder of her since sharing a class with her. Hearing her answer every question correctly. That is the girl of my dreams. But purely of my dreams because I can’t even manage to say a simple ‘hello’ to her.


I plan to talk to Micha at graduation, but possibly before. I want to talk to him simply because he hasn’t said anything to me since that first conversation. Overall, science was a great class. While I hoped that it would mean getting to know Micha rather than simply knowing of him, I only got to know that atoms are the smallest constituent unit of ordinary matter that has the properties of a chemical element.



We are getting ready to walk at graduation, this is my last chance to do anything. I could simply pretend that I haven’t had feelings for Lux all these years, but that’s not exactly what I want to do. I want to speak to her again and tell her exactly what I feel. Tell her how absolutely beautiful and smart she is. I wanted to tell her how lucky a guy like me would be to date someone as extraordinary as her, but I’m not that kind of person. I will, more likely than not, just pretend I never thought of being in a relationship with her that wasn’t strictly friendly and nothing more.


I have come to realize that I will never see Micha again, but I have thought this through over and over again, and I decided that I am going to hug him with no explanation, and pass it off as just saying goodbye to everyone, including him, even though we aren’t friends. I am nervous mainly because I have yet to think about what I have ahead of me, but I am trying to keep my mind set on saying goodbye for the sake of my sanity. I have spent enough time obsessing over this guy, whom I barely know, and I am finally ready to give that up. I have my whole life ahead of me to fall in love with people who actually know I exist, and while it may not seem like it, I know that I will find someone who I care about equally as much as I do Micha.



We walked at graduation, and now Lux is standing next to me. This time when she says ‘hello,’ I know that she is talking to me because we are the only ones in the science room, saying our final goodbyes to high school.

“Are you going to miss it here,” she asks breaking the stale, silent air that stands between us.

“I don’t think so,” I respond lying to myself. I won’t miss highschool, I’ll miss this science class, and more specifically this girl. I’ll miss her laugh and her stupid mistakes. The way she taps her pencil when she is thinking. All of the small things I have come to know about Lux are the things I will miss the most.  I will miss Lux Margos.


“Can I hug you goodbye,” I questioned. I didn’t want to be too forward. And, as I waited for his response, Micha turned to face me. I didn’t even realize it until it happened. Micha Traxler kissed me. My life flashed before me, and in a panic I raced out of the science room. I was in the hallway leading to the main door when Micha yelled for me to stop.

“Lux, I am so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have done that. But, I need to tell you something,” He starts. “Ever since I saw you that first day freshman year, in that beautiful green sweater, I knew that you were the person I wanted to be with. You are the most beautiful and most intelligent person I have ever met, and I think you deserve to know that.”

I want to tell him that I feel the same, but I am ready to move on. He is four years too late. I run towards him and embrace him in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry,” I began. “But, I am ready to let you go, let every thought I’ve ever had about you go. But, you are amazingly smart and sweet, and I think I’ve changed my mind. I had this whole plan to hug you goodbye and pretend that I never felt anything for you, but then you kissed me and I take that as a sign not to let go.”

“Don’t pretend Lux Margos. You won’t regret it.”



I finally have the girl of my dreams. Lux Margos, absolutely perfect.


Micha Traxler. The first and hopefully last person I will love.



So, that’s the story I didn’t win with. Wow, I’m such a sore loser. Happy Thanksgiving guys!

Forgotten: A very short story

(My friends asked me to help her on a project a few weeks ago and I wrote this for her, and I just reread it and I actually like it, so here it is.)

The kids don’t play with me anymore. They are interested in their phones and their laptops more than they are in their favorite past time. I’ve been in the bottom of this dingy box for a few months, maybe years, I’ve lost track. It’s not like they gradually lost interest in me, they just got new gifts from mommy and daddy one day and I suddenly no longer mattered. Mommy and daddy threw me and others in this box, shoved us in the corner, and none of us have seen the light of day since. Kids these days only care about what’s on the internet; I remember the days when these kids would have their friends over and they would be excited to stay up all night and show me off, but now, they sit on their phones, showing each other memes, not even verbally speaking to one another, but rather texting. I miss the old days, the days where I was the best thing in the world. Now, I’m just an old board game in a box that has been shoved in the corner, and the kids have all lost interest.

So, the assignment was to personify something, and I think I did a pretty good job. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed 🙂