I hate losing

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, I wasn’t sure if I was going to share my short story, and all though I didn’t win, a friend of mine did and I’m happy for her. Even though I am super upset about losing, I know I’m a good writer and that’s all that matters. Anyway, enough with the rant, here’s Silent Desire.



There she is. This beautiful person whom I’d only seen a few times before. I looked at her trying to avoid making eye contact. Someone like me could never be with her. She is everything someone could want in a girl. I am in love with a girl who doesn’t even know I exist. That’s the problem. I am in love with a girl who wouldn’t ever be seen with a guy like me. I’m a walking encyclopedia. She is just generally smart, and I surely have no chance. If only Lux knew who I was.


It is the first day of school. I saw him again. He hasn’t seemed to notice me, but why would he. I’m the awkward girl with no friends. I keep to myself. I wouldn’t ever interfere with him. If only Micha knew how much I adored him, then surely, things would be different. Who am I kidding, we will graduate in nine months without having said a single word to each other for four years. That’s insane, how could I possibly love someone as much as I love him without even knowing who he is?




She’s in my science class. This is the first time I’ve had a class with her. Of course I’ve liked other girls, but ever since I saw her freshman year in that emerald green sweater, light washed denim jeans, and high-top black converse that were laced one hole down from the top, I knew she was the girl I wanted. I realized I wanted her even more when she walked up to me.

“Hello,” she said to me.

At this point I am convinced she doesn’t even know I exist. I don’t even realize she is talking to me until I noticed we are the only one’s in the room with the exception of our teacher.

“Hi. Lux, right?”

I replied a few seconds away from awkward. By this time, people began to enter the room. We were no longer alone. The truth is, I know her name, I just don’t want to freak her out.

“Yea, that’s me. The nerd with no friends.”

How could someone so painfully beautiful not have any friends? How could she even declare herself a nerd? She was smart and beautiful, a beautiful nerd.

A moment too soon, the bell rang. I had ruined my one chance of speaking to her.


How could I do that? Micha doesn’t even know my name. I’ve made such a fool of myself. I know that it was a risky move speaking to him. I couldn’t stop glancing at his tall build and glasses. The same glasses he’d worn for three years. The same glasses I had come to know. I knew every inch of his face, like the back of my hand. Yet, all I could manage to say was a bland ‘hello.’



Class was drawing to a close. It had been nine months since our first and last encounter. I have always wondered why she never spoke to me again. As if I were some contagious disease that she didn’t want to catch. I get it though. I’m not exactly the prettiest color in the crayon box. I’m the color you use when the color you want is missing, a second choice of sorts. Lux, on the other hand, she is the crayon you always grab for without a doubt. Another reason I was in love with her, the fifth reason I loved her. She is the definition of perfect.

It is the last day of school. In a few hours we all graduate, and it is very likely that I’ll never see Lux again. I have had this reoccurring dream that she has spoken to me, and we are friends and that everything is perfect, but I know that that couldn’t ever happen.

We are sitting in our last science class together and I feel the urge to speak to her. Discuss all of the science related things that we have learned in our nine short months together. Lux is the most amazing person I had ever met in my life. I have grown even fonder of her since sharing a class with her. Hearing her answer every question correctly. That is the girl of my dreams. But purely of my dreams because I can’t even manage to say a simple ‘hello’ to her.


I plan to talk to Micha at graduation, but possibly before. I want to talk to him simply because he hasn’t said anything to me since that first conversation. Overall, science was a great class. While I hoped that it would mean getting to know Micha rather than simply knowing of him, I only got to know that atoms are the smallest constituent unit of ordinary matter that has the properties of a chemical element.



We are getting ready to walk at graduation, this is my last chance to do anything. I could simply pretend that I haven’t had feelings for Lux all these years, but that’s not exactly what I want to do. I want to speak to her again and tell her exactly what I feel. Tell her how absolutely beautiful and smart she is. I wanted to tell her how lucky a guy like me would be to date someone as extraordinary as her, but I’m not that kind of person. I will, more likely than not, just pretend I never thought of being in a relationship with her that wasn’t strictly friendly and nothing more.


I have come to realize that I will never see Micha again, but I have thought this through over and over again, and I decided that I am going to hug him with no explanation, and pass it off as just saying goodbye to everyone, including him, even though we aren’t friends. I am nervous mainly because I have yet to think about what I have ahead of me, but I am trying to keep my mind set on saying goodbye for the sake of my sanity. I have spent enough time obsessing over this guy, whom I barely know, and I am finally ready to give that up. I have my whole life ahead of me to fall in love with people who actually know I exist, and while it may not seem like it, I know that I will find someone who I care about equally as much as I do Micha.



We walked at graduation, and now Lux is standing next to me. This time when she says ‘hello,’ I know that she is talking to me because we are the only ones in the science room, saying our final goodbyes to high school.

“Are you going to miss it here,” she asks breaking the stale, silent air that stands between us.

“I don’t think so,” I respond lying to myself. I won’t miss highschool, I’ll miss this science class, and more specifically this girl. I’ll miss her laugh and her stupid mistakes. The way she taps her pencil when she is thinking. All of the small things I have come to know about Lux are the things I will miss the most.  I will miss Lux Margos.


“Can I hug you goodbye,” I questioned. I didn’t want to be too forward. And, as I waited for his response, Micha turned to face me. I didn’t even realize it until it happened. Micha Traxler kissed me. My life flashed before me, and in a panic I raced out of the science room. I was in the hallway leading to the main door when Micha yelled for me to stop.

“Lux, I am so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have done that. But, I need to tell you something,” He starts. “Ever since I saw you that first day freshman year, in that beautiful green sweater, I knew that you were the person I wanted to be with. You are the most beautiful and most intelligent person I have ever met, and I think you deserve to know that.”

I want to tell him that I feel the same, but I am ready to move on. He is four years too late. I run towards him and embrace him in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry,” I began. “But, I am ready to let you go, let every thought I’ve ever had about you go. But, you are amazingly smart and sweet, and I think I’ve changed my mind. I had this whole plan to hug you goodbye and pretend that I never felt anything for you, but then you kissed me and I take that as a sign not to let go.”

“Don’t pretend Lux Margos. You won’t regret it.”



I finally have the girl of my dreams. Lux Margos, absolutely perfect.


Micha Traxler. The first and hopefully last person I will love.



So, that’s the story I didn’t win with. Wow, I’m such a sore loser. Happy Thanksgiving guys!


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