I’m happy.

At least I think I am. I don’t think I know what it’s like not to be happy. I like to think that though I’ve had my fair share of problems, I’ve lead a pretty good life. But how much of a life can you live in 15 short years? How much suffering can you really go through? How much hate can you really experience? The answer? A lot. But, I’m happy.

As you know, I just finished my first year of high school. I took this year as a year to find myself and see who I truly was and who I wanted to be. I realized who my true friends were. I found new hobbies and made new friends. I even made 2 best friends. And before I hear that you can’t have more than one best friend, I can have as many best friends as I want. I actually have 3. One for almost 11 years in fact. I don’t know if they were aware that I was on a journey to find myself, I mean they are now, but I don’t know if they were beforehand. All they care about is that I’m happy.

One this journey I discovered 5 important things:

  • I’m beautiful: So what if I wear yoga pants and sweatshirts for a week straight then wear skirts and dresses the next. Nothing defines my beauty. I’m a human being, and just living and smiling is beautiful. I don’t need make up or designer clothes or picture perfect hair. Being me is all I need to be beautiful. Cute, pretty, gorgeous, sexy, that’s not beautiful. I’m beautiful. I also have a nice butt, but that’s beside the point haha.
  • I’m smarter than I thought: I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I know I’m smart, I just realized that without life weighing me down, I’m smarter than I thought. I don’t mean like genius smart, but like I can actually understand things if I pay attention smart. I didn’t get terrific grades this year, 5 A’s and 3 B’s, but this is the hardest I’ve tried in school in a long time. I actually was challenged. But my hard work payed off because with the exception of English, again, I’m taking all AP classes next year. Yay!
  • Numbers mean nothing: Whether it be number of friends or test scores, numbers mean nothing. My test scores have fluctuated up and down all year, and if I were to give you an average, you would wonder how my report card marks were so high. My friend group has gotten so much smaller. I went from having friends in every class to having like one friend in every class if I was lucky. Truthfully, this was better. I mean I knew everyone in my classes, and we all talked, and we all have each other’s phone numbers, but we aren’t friends that hang out, we’re friends that text each other when they need to know homework, or what they missed in class. I prefer having a small number of real friends compared to a large number of acquaintances that I called friends.
  • I’m the worst procrastinator ever: I thought that I pushed things to last minute because I had friends and thought that I had better things to do and literally bull shitted my way through middle school, but even having like no friends this year, I still waited until last minute, I just actually did research. Even doing simple things like cleaning my room and emptying the dishwasher, I just pushed it off.
  • It’s okay to be me: For the longest time, I thought that I had to fit this cookie cutter image to have friends and to be liked. That’s not true. I became myself, and that’s when I realized who my friends really were. My friends didn’t mind my sudden outbursts or my awkward nature. They loved me, not the person I was trying to be. On top of finding out who my true friends were, I made friends that liked me for who I am. If you’ve read some of my other posts, you know that I’m sort of self-conscious. That was one of the things I tried to fix this year. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to be happy with who I have become. Did I reach that goal? Not quite, but I came pretty damn close. Little things can get me down, but I have friends and summer to help me fix that. I love me, and I’m not going to be anyone else.

High school can be a difficult time, but it’s a chance to discover who you truly are. Be you. Oscar Wilde said, “Be you, everyone else is already taken”, and I never truly listened to that because I wanted to not necessarily to be popular, but to have a lot of friends. That isn’t how you make friends. as cliché as the quote seems, its helped me a lot. I am truly happy.